Divorce sucks. Divorce is never a good time for anyone in the family. There is so much contention throughout the family, not just the immediate family but the extended family. A divorce leaves a hole that sometimes cannot be filled. It leaves gaps in the relationship between the spouses, it leaves the kids scared, and it creates a disconnected family.
I know that each divorce is different, and I know that each person handles divorce in different ways, but I hope that this blog is a way for people to vent, to learn, and to have hope. With all this being said, I'm going to tell you the story of my experience with divorce.
My parents separated in 2003, and the divorce was finalized in 2005. I was four when the divorce was final. My mom got custody of all the kids, while my dad really didn't get anything. I lived with my mom until I was 8 years old. During those years with my mom, I experienced some not-so-great things. My mom had some vices that controlled her, and sometimes those vices got so bad that she would neglect to take care of her five kids. My four older siblings picked up on my mother's vices. My mom was actually the one to introduce their current addictions to them. Alcohol, weed, cigarettes, you name it, it was probably going through the house at one point. I grew up with that kind of stuff. I saw my family get high together. I remember getting government subsidies. At a young age, I saw some crazy things.
After some years of going back and forth between my mom and dad, my dad got full custody of me and my siblings, but it was a choice. I remember when I was eight, the judge brought me in. He asked me one question. "Do you want to live with your mom or dad?" I chose the latter; I chose to live with my dad. This decision changed my life forever. No longer would I have to deal with the challenges of living in my mom's home, but I would have other challenges.
My dad remarried, and now I had six stepsiblings. There were many challenges to living in a blended household. It felt like two families were just thrown together. (That's pretty much what happened). There were sides. My older siblings and my stepsiblings. I was in the middle. I didn't have a side and I felt alone. My older siblings were distant from me, and I avoided my stepsiblings because I didn't like them at first. It was difficult. I didn't know where I belonged. My home didn't feel like a home; it was just a place I was living in with some strangers.
I look back on my experience with divorce, and sometimes I am grateful that good things can come out of bad situations. From my divorce, I learned some great life lessons. I would rather not have a divorce in my life, but being optimistic, I learned that any challenges that we face can be handled head-on. I know that divorce hurts and causes pain and heartache, but through hope, patience, love, and gratitude, the sting of divorce can be softened, and life can be a blissful experience.
One thing that I noticed that divorce does to people is that it leaves grudges deep in the hearts of the people involved. For example, I hadn't talked to my biological mom face-to-face in, I don't know, 12-14 years. I held a grudge because of the way she raised me when I was younger. I didn't hate her; I was more disappointed. I am disappointed that we could have lived just fine together and had a happy family, but she made some bad choices that helped separate the family. Just recently, I made an effort to see my biological mom in person. The conversation went well. I caught her up on my life and she did the same. No hard feelings. Now that I have matured, I see a different woman than the one I called "mom" when I was a kid. I see her as a person who made poor choices and had to live with the consequences. I love her and I appreciate what she did for me.
Like I said in the beginning, not all divorces are the same. I've seen with my older siblings who were married and now are divorced that there are many different aspects to why the divorce happened and the outcomes of the divorce. I didn't have a good start in life. But now I love my life. I'm currently going to college. I served a two-year church service mission in Arizona, where I was able to make some great friends and I'm currently at a job that I enjoy. I recently changed my major to psychology in order to assist people who have had similar experiences to mine.
When I was growing up, I didn't have much hope, but now I do. I hope in the future, I see a future that is bright for me. I see a great marriage with awesome kids. I see a strong family that will help the community in any way possible. These are the things I hope for. So, if you take one thing away from all this rambling, it is that there is hope, no matter the situation. Hope can be found at any stage of life. Now go find it!
Corbin :)
