Positive Encoding

Positivity is the practice of being or tending to be positive or optimistic in attitude. Positivity is something that isn't in this world enough. Being optimistic takes practice, and it may require a shift in attitude. It may take a change in how you perceive the world. In modern American culture, it seems "cool" to be sad or depressed. Depression presses us down mentally, physically, and spiritually, and one way to combat sadness and depression is by thinking positively. I know that it is easier said than done, but the principle is still true. We wire our brains; we encode our brains. If we encode our brains with negativity, we will think and act negatively and vice versa. 

Now, how does positivity and encoding our brains apply to divorce? The darkest times in my life were when I was experiencing the aftereffects of my parents' divorce. That experience got me into a dark place that I didn't come out of until after high school. I went to therapy for anger issues, anxiety, and depression. Those sessions helped me think clearly and gain control of what my brain encodes. It taught me discipline. 

How did this help me through the divorce? Divorces usually have a lot of negativity and contention. There is no doubt about that. Practicing positive encoding allowed me to not let those negative things come into my life. Of course, there were some that slipped through the cracks, but my overall outlook was positive. The therapists taught us to not focus on the little things that bug us but to focus outward and to help others. Service is what she taught. Have you ever had the feeling after you help someone that just warms your soul? That is the ultimate feeling of positivity. I honestly wish I could feel that every day of my life, but I am not able to do that. Looking back at that experience, what were you thinking about? Were you thinking about your bills, family troubles, or a bad relationship? You were most likely thinking about that person's needs and how you could help them. This is positive thinking. This is positive encoding. The ultimate cure for negativity is to think of others and try to help them with a smile and a warm countenance. 

This is what I didn't do while I was in high school. I was selfish and didn't care for anyone. I looked too deeply into myself and my short-comings and blamed other people for them. I was naively encoding my brain. It had to stop, and it did. I created an attitude. My attitude was that when you meet a new person, you should think of good attributes. When something didn't go my way, I tried to think of how that thing would maybe bless someone else's life. When I was hurt by someone, I knew that this pain would go away because I would experience more joy than that pain. This is what positive encoding is. Changing your mindset

I invite you to positively encode your brain, leading you to change your attitude. I know divorce can be really hard sometimes, but through thinking positively you can change how you perceive the world. I hope this helped you out just a little and I'm sorry for my rambling... 

How did divorce affect your family's culture?

Family culture is an important subject that I feel isn't addressed enough in today's society. Each family have unique way to perceive the world. Each family may have different ways of discipline, different political stances, types of food, or even language. Divorce affects that culture that is created in the family tremendously. I have seen it in my family and also, I've seen it other families. So, for this blog I'm going to leave this to a discussion. How has your divorce changed your family culture? Has divorce affected your decisions to have a family? Has divorce changed your outlook on marriage? 

How has divorce changed your family culture?

To answer my own questions, divorce has completely changed my family dynamics and culture. I'm the youngest out of all my biological siblings so I didn't really see how the family dynamic change in the usual way, but I saw the ripple effects of divorce. For example, my dad remarried, and my stepmom had 6 kids of her own. So, now I have 6 more siblings which included 3 younger sisters, 2 older sisters, and 1 older brother. That alone completely changed how my family operated, I had now 6 siblings that I moved in with after my dad got full custody on top of my four older biological siblings. This flipped my world upside down. I saw a whole new of living from my siblings and the mesh between my biological siblings and my step siblings. So, for example in my previous home before my dad got remarried, we didn't have many chores. We didn't have assignments we just cleaned up what we saw or whatever our mom pointed out. In the new household we had a weekly room rotation when there was a child assigned to a room and cleaned the room every day for a week until we rotated each week. The culture completed shifted in another direction. 

Has divorced affected your decisions in to have a family?

I was always drawn to having a family, but I the negative effects of divorce in my life has somewhat scared me from having a family. I know that I won't repeat what my parents have done and some of siblings, I'm planning on getting it right the first time. But in the back of my mind there are a lot of anxiety and an absence of hope when it comes to marriage. I saw a lot of damage in family, separation, hate and neglect. I don't want that to happen to my family. I know that I will have a family one day, and I hope that I can prepare myself to the fullest to my possibility and I hope that I can be smart when I decide to spend the rest of my life with a person. 

Has divorced changed your outlook on marriage?

Divorce has definitely changed my outlook on marriage. Like I said earlier, I hope I choose right the first time. I know that I can. I have seen a lot of happy marriages in my life, and I really admire all of those people and their dedication to each other. As a kid, I compared my parents' marriage to my friend's parents' marriage a lot. I saw some great things from my friend parent's marriage. I know what I want in a marriage because of this.

Feel free to comment an answer to all of those questions or just one! I hope you have a great day!!

 

Rewards-Cost= Profit

This past week I have learned about a theory properly named the "Exchange Theory". The exchange theory is a social-psychological and sociological theory that explains social change and ability as a process of negotiated exchanges between parties. In simpler terms, it is the cost-benefit of a relationship. What am I going to benefit from in this relationship? What am I going to lose in this relationship? It is the process of weighing the positives and negatives of a relationship, which we all naturally do.

A good example is dating. When we date, we are hoping to benefit from our efforts in the relationship, whatever benefits you desire. But there is always a cost when we date. We might be in a steady relationship that is strictly mutual, and the cost would be not dating other people. Rewards-Cost = Profit.

Now moving towards why this applies to divorce. I have observed that people who really dive deep into the rewards and costs of the relationship have a lower chance of divorce. Critically thinking and honestly determining, what am I going to benefit from this relationship and what am I going to lose? Marriage is a huge commitment, and we should properly determine all aspects of the relationship. 

Personally, I have seen people who don't analyze the facts of the relationship get divorce papers. For example, one of my older sisters married right out of high school, which isn't a bad thing if done properly, but in this case, it was not done properly. She married a man who was not a great person with no father-like attributes and really didn't love her. Being young, I don't think she fully analyzed what the benefits and costs of the relationship were. This relationship ended but not before he got abusive and abandoned his kids. She is now happily remarried because she knew the benefits and cost of the new relationship. She found a balance.

All relationships are balancing acts between two people. Another example is my roommate, Matt. I met him at college, and we have a really good system of rewards, benefits, and profit. So, I currently don't have a car, but Matt does. So, I pay for gas while he allows me to drive it whenever I need. In our relationship, we have agreed and communicated that this would work for both of us. The balance of the relationship has now fallen to one side if I randomly decided to insult Matt so badly that he revoked my privilege of driving his car. 

Divorce can be the result of exchange theory not properly being balanced. If one side receives a lot of benefits and the other side receives all the costs, it will create contention that will put a wedge between your relationship. I know there is always a way to rebalance our relationships. Communication is key to rebalancing, and it will take effort from both parties to properly determine what benefits and costs they are both receiving. It might take a sacrifice to bring balance to the relationship again. 

The exchange theory is necessary for marriage. We all want to benefit from a relationship. We all want something in return for our commitment and love we show that person. So, before you get into a relationship or are currently in one, I ask you to ask these questions. What am I going to gain from this relationship, and what am I going to lose from this relationship?